What am I trying so hard to control?
When life feels uncertain, control can feel like relief. Planning more. Explaining more. Holding tighter. On the surface, it looks like responsibility. Underneath, it’s often fear, fear of being misunderstood, of things going wrong, of feeling what we’d rather avoid.
Asking what am I trying so hard to control isn’t about shaming the impulse. It’s about understanding it. Control is a strategy the nervous system uses to feel safe when uncertainty rises. The question helps us notice what the strategy is protecting and what it may be costing us.
What Does Control Look Like in Everyday Life?
Control isn’t always obvious. It often hides in “helpful” behaviors:
Over-planning conversations or outcomes
Over-thinking decisions long after they’re made
Over-explaining to prevent misunderstanding
Micromanaging timelines, emotions, or impressions
Staying busy to avoid feeling uncertain
Control is about certainty. Influence is about choice. The former tightens; the latter steadies.
Why Do I Try to Control Things So Much?
Most of us learned control as protection. When unpredictability felt unsafe emotionally or practically control helped us cope.
Common roots include:
Fear of disappointment or failure
Fear of being judged or misunderstood
Fear of losing connection or approval
Past experiences where outcomes felt costly
Seen this way, control isn’t a flaw. It’s a learned response that once helped.
What Am I Trying So Hard to Control Right Now?
Be specific. Control narrows when it’s named.
You might be trying to control:
Outcomes: how something turns out
Perceptions: how others see you
Timing: when clarity or relief arrives
Emotions: yours or someone else’s
Identity: staying “competent,” “strong,” or “together”
Naming the focus reduces the grip. Vague control tightens; specific awareness loosens.
What Does This Control Give Me (Short-Term)?
Control offers real, immediate benefits:
A sense of certainty
Temporary calm
The feeling of preparedness
Avoidance of uncomfortable emotions
It works briefly. That’s why we keep using it.
What Is This Control Costing Me (Long-Term)?
Over time, the costs add up:
Mental and emotional exhaustion
Reduced presence and creativity
Strained relationships
Less trust in others and in yourself
Control promises safety but often delivers burnout.
What Am I Afraid Would Happen If I Let Go?
This question reveals the heart of control.
Common fears:
“I’ll fail.”
“I’ll disappoint someone.”
“I’ll lose control of my emotions.”
“I’ll be exposed or judged.”
Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility. It means releasing guarantees we were never meant to hold.
How the Nervous System Drives Control
Under stress, the body prioritizes safety. When threat is perceived, the brain favors speed and certainty over nuance. Control is a way to reduce perceived threat.
That’s why willpower alone rarely loosens control. The system needs signals of safety slower pace, clearer boundaries, reduced stimulation before it can tolerate uncertainty.
What Would Compassionate Self-Coaching Say About This?
A compassionate inner coach doesn’t argue with the need for control; it listens to it.
It might say:
“Of course you want certainty this matters to you.”
“What you’re protecting makes sense.”
“What would help you feel 10% safer right now?”
Compassion acknowledges protection before inviting change.
What Could I Practice Releasing Just a Little?
Letting go is a skill built in micro-steps.
Try one:
Send the message without over-editing
Allow someone else to decide
Leave one thing unfinished today
Pause before explaining
Name a boundary and stop there
Release doesn’t have to be dramatic. Small releases retrain the system.
How Letting Go of Control Builds Emotional Maturity
Emotional maturity isn’t passivity. It’s discernment.
As control softens:
Responses replace reactions
Limits are accepted without collapse
Trust grows internally and relationally
Energy returns
Maturity emerges when we can hold responsibility without gripping outcomes.
Conclusion: Control Is Information, Not Failure
The urge to control is telling you something matters. Listen to that then decide how much control is actually needed.
When you ask what am I trying so hard to control, you create space between impulse and action. In that space, choice returns.
You don’t have to let go of everything.
You only have to loosen one grip today.
Ready to Practice Letting Go With Support?
If control has been your main strategy for managing stress or uncertainty, and you’re ready to build steadier self-trust, you’re welcome to book a 1:1 coaching call, join the newsletter, or explore programs.
